So I am sitting in my living room (on the floor. To those close to me, this should not surprise you), and I am thinking how quickly this year has flown by.It seems like it was only the new year yesterday and already August is upon us, and the beginning of a new year in 2010 is fast approaching.
A lot has happened this year; good and bad, and I can't help but realize suddenly how OLD I feel.I know, I know. I get it. You're thinking to yourself, "you're not old!". But really, I feel like an "adult" these days. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I am applying to grad school and nursing school, and anxiously waiting interviews and news on that front. This immense decision to undertake a new path in my life is rather intimidating.
I am sure it has to do with the fact that parts of my body are suddenly not as cute as they used to be. Ha ha. I am not the hot young 23 year old at the bar. Hell, I don't go to bars much these days except to be with good people and enjoy their company rather than the pawings of an overgrown frat boy.
But the things I have learned are that I am coming into my own sense of self. This application process has forced my hand and made me do some introspection these last few months and I think I am finally learning to love my flaws and my pretty awesome neuroses.I think my desire to keep a neat home, and cook delicious treats for people isn't so much the negatively connoted suzy homemaker these days as I like being domestic and challenging Martha on the home front. I have developed a sense of style I think reflects myself, and I hope to only become more fabulous as I get older!And I know what I want these days ( I think.) HA. I am terrifed of possibly moving across the country to work harder than I can even imagine, and yet I comfort myself with the thoughts that I like new places and exploring them. And the possibility of leaving my friends makes me sad, but knowing that I will be around people who have the same desire to be of service to others is enlightening. Who knows where I will be in the next year, but I know that I am slowly coming to terms with my life and the road it has lead me to.I know I can learn to do some meditating that is for sure, but my eternal optimism makes me realize that things happen and the only thing to do is dust myself off and try again.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
(500) Days of Summer
This is not a love story. This is a story about love.
Last night, my evening was filled with listening and laughing to well written lines, a thought out soundtrack and the intense sorrowful eyes of Joseph Gordon-Levitt mooning over the loss of Zooey Deschanel (who was PERFECT in this role of "Summer". And yes, JGL is the cute and dorky kid from "3rd Rock from the Sun").
But how true is this quote?? Love stories are vastly different than stories about love. Why do I say this? Because a love story always has a happy ending and is filled with cliches and all of the joys of dating and love and none of the heartaches. A story about love however is grittier, with the faint expectation that it just won't work out, because that is how life is. And it is only at that chance moment in time that you meet the one person, when you know he/she is right, that you know, regardless of what life throws at you, as long as you're with that one person, things will be ok. You get your happy ending even though you have to kiss a lot of frogs before Prince Charming shows up.
A narrator starts the movie with the quote,"This is a story of boy meets girl. But you should know up front, this is not a love story", and it leads into the romantic musings of a boy who falls in love at first sight with a girl, who just isn't quite sure about him. We've all been there right? You meet someone, things are great, everything is all rainbows and sunshine......and then the little voice inside your head starts to ask you some irritating questions like, " Did he just really pick his nose in front of you? Why does he insist on leaving his socks on the living room floor?! Why does he always break out into song at parties? Does he always sweat this much during sex?".
And then you realize that all of those things that were great, were great at that moment, and when it comes down to it, the realization that this person could be it annoys the hell out of you and you can't fathom spending the rest of your life living with his quirks or else you're going to want to stab yourself in the eye with a Q-tip to deaden the pain.
They say that commitmentphobia is what makes people who are in happy relationships take off for the hills, and I'm inclined to agree to a certain extent. (That psychoanalytic argument is for another blog). But sometimes......JUST sometimes, you wake up one morning and realize that you aren't going to fall in love with this person; regardless of how wonderful of a person he/she is. How do I know? I know because I have been both the receipient and the presenter of these feelings and no matter what team you play for, it is never easy, nor is it pleasant.
Now, as a woman watching this love develop by JGL for Summer, I am jealous. I mean who wouldn't want a guy who adores you? Who noticed your birthmark, the way your hair looks? Your smile? A guy you can share funny moments with, run around Ikea and play house in the mock floor displays? Who you can tell your most vulnerable stories to, because you know he will keep them as safe as you have.
But it has happened to me where this awesome and thoughtful person is someone you can't open yourself up to. It doesn't feel right, not because you're trying to keep something from them, but because it wouldn't change your feelings for them. As I saw Summer's metamorphosis and her pulling away physically and emotionally, I couldn't help but recall mirroring her feelings and body language for a guy I had dated not too long ago. I thought it was my hectic schedule and life, but those were just excuses. And it wasn't his fault. It wasn't mine really either. It just wasn't right.
On the flipside, I've been JDL's character Tom, because I have met someone in my past who I fell instantly in love with. Who, from the moment we talked I got butterflies in my stomach and the whole body blush whenever he leaned over to whisper into my ear. He made me feel shy, in that way that makes your eyes shine and you breathless when he shows up on your doorstep, or when his name flashes on your phone screen. He was in one word..PERFECT. We shared the same passion for literature, musicians, exchanging the Sunday NYT while having eggs (scrambled) with coffee(cream and sugar) and fantasized that when we grew up we would have one of those old fashioned libraries with the ladders on wheels to be able to reach the very tippity top shelves of our overladen bookcases. He had a tattoo, even though he didn't look like the type and had this way of looking at me that made me feel like I was the most important person in a room. We traded books and gave hints to our favorite bits of the story and anticipated the other's reaction.
How did it end? It didn't end the way I wanted it to. We wrote now and then to just say hello, but never approached what hadn't happened for us. It broke my heart, and I thought for a long time I would never fall in love again. I would never have that sort of instantaneous recognition of another soul so familiar it could almost be your own.
But years have passed, and although I still think about him fondly and with a hint of regret that it didn't work out for us, I know that it wouldn't be the same without love. So now I wait for that moment when I meet that one person who feels the same way I do without hesitation.
There is a scene at the end of the movie where JGL and Summer meet in a special spot. She has sought him out, and he looks terrified when he sees her, but hopeful and they talk. At one point JGL asks her what was so different, that someone who didn't believe in love could change her mind and get married.
The lines are vague recollections from the movie, but I hope they give the gist (Unfortunately, I don't have that super awesome boy ability to recall movie quotes but not remember to pick up the dry cleaning).
Summer: "I just woke up one morning and I was sure....
Tom: "What made you sure about him but not me...."
Summer: "One day I woke up and I knew that he was the one. The feeling I never felt with you."
So this film has taught me that it isn't a love story that is destinied to happen. It is a story of love with all of its challenges which make the true love story worth the wait.
Monday, August 10, 2009
TDH and the Bon Voyage Weekend
So here we meet again Monday.
How did we move so fast? I mean you have to give a girl some time to get used to these moves, before you thrust yourself at her...Come on now! Ah, well, a recap of this weekend's festivities is fair I suppose so here we go.
The short version:
The week ended inocuously enough, with a good and productive day at work, simultaneous power naps with the roommate in preparation for our evening festivites and the final stop of the night at one of the coolest bars I have been to in a while. Then Saturday was filled with hopping over the Bay Bridge to my old hood Berkeley to celebrate the impending departure of a dear friend to Colorado, and swinging back home in time for the celebration for yet another grad school send off in SoMa, that ended with TDH (Tall, Dark and Handsome) and too many glasses of Cab Franc.
The gory details:
Friday night started off at Lava Lounge and meeting up with with LC's friend for a drink. We wanted to scope out the scene; we had heard rumors that there were some attractive Asian men to be found at this venue. Not my usual demographic as my friends near and dear to me would attest to, but we were on the hunt for a handsome, kind and smart guy for one of my friends-- F-- who needs to be treated like the lady she is by someone deemed worthy (in my opinion).
She was currently off of the Latin wagon, as they had proven to be passionate, sexy, macho...AND flakey with a side of pain in the ass. Girlfriend does not need drama in her life.
Needless to say, Lava was not the eruption of men we were hoping for and instead decided to can the man hunt idea and just enjoy ourselves for the rest of the evening. So we headed over to Rickstop down in the FiDi for a few good solid drinks with some repute.
I was certainly not disappointed at this second love child of the Bourbon and Branch creators; in fact I think I fell instantly in love with the old barrels, brick and openness of this space, almost inching out the intimate and sweaty "Library" of B&B fame.
Things were going great so far. We got seating, we had tasty beverages in our hands and then.....they came. And sat down. WTF?!
That is right, these 2 guys decided they wanted to crash our party and bring their underdeveloped muscles and "we just started our first job after graduating college" experience to the table. I'm sorry kids, really? F and I promptly turned our backs and chatted while LC and N actually were kind and conversed, feigning interest in the topics they thought were going to impress my friends. I know, I'm being harsh, but I feel that oftentimes men need to read the body language of women and really understand that sometimes, we just want to be left alone. Not only that, BIG(Boy in Green) had commited a faux pas and cut in front of us at the bar to order his drink when we had clearly been waiting before him. But the crowning moment of the night was when BIG leaned into N and said to her, " so N...how did you come to sit with the most handsome man in this bar?".
WHAT!?!?!
I think I almost fell out of my chair with horror. You call THAT a pick up line? Clearly he needed to go back to training camp because that was just asinine. I peeked over at N and her face was a mask of combined pain and panic as she was looking for a way out and was cornered.
Thankfully, BIG and his friend NBD (Nice but Dorky) left soon after, when the magic of the "line" wasn't appreciated.
Saturday started off with an intellectual BBQ filled with PhDs and little ole me chatting about the paralleling evolution of certain species of insects and plants that may elucidate the diverging patterns giving insight into trends of evolution itself (a la Darwin's Finches) to the stock market crash of 1987 and how that was such an anomaly as its recovery in 1989 bucked the expected trend of decades of recovery time such as the crash of 1929.
After all sorts of heady conversation, I hopped my way over to Tres Agaves for some tequila (yikes) and the evenutal lead up to my favorite wine bar on Polk called Amelie. It was there that I saw my old fwb "Lawyer S" and his entourage who were nice, entertaining and thankfully continued on their merry way leaving F, Nic and I to our own devices. But my amore, TDH (Tall, Dark and Handsome) was bartending again at Amelie and to my surprise he greeted me with a cheeky kiss-kiss at the door and the words whispered into my ear, "hello beautiful, I see you are here again for me".
I just swooned. Did you hear it? I hope so because let me tell you, TDH has this way about him that makes me blush, and I don't blush often.
I had my first run in with TDH a few weeks ago and I thought it was a fleeting romance that night. But needless to say, it was not so as was evidence by his affection Saturday. All night TDH was so attentive, bringing us water, caressing my leg as he walked by our table, telling me he loved seeing my legs in my dress, mopping the mess he made on Nic's arm, refilling (to our horror, we were buzzed for sure) F and I's nearly empty wine glasses and then trying to kiss me...TWICE when he is obviously a taken man (cue the wedding ring). I had hoped he was playing the faux "I'm taken" game with the ring to fend of the hordes of women who flirt with him, but alas, it was found to be true that he is in fact, married. And fortunately, I don't play the other woman game. I like to give the respect to his wife of not being shady and thinking I am better than her because I am not. With his deep brown bedroom eyes, dimples, gorgeous face and sexy smile, I can't help but enjoy flirting with him, and watching with pleasure as he flirts with other women but always comes back to me, BUT...I'm not his, nor is he mine.
So, I shooed him off with a " behave yourself", a wink and sauntered out the door. He called out, "good bye Kathline" and the siren call of my bed led me to a deep restful sleep of Cab Franc and TDH.
How did we move so fast? I mean you have to give a girl some time to get used to these moves, before you thrust yourself at her...Come on now! Ah, well, a recap of this weekend's festivities is fair I suppose so here we go.
The short version:
The week ended inocuously enough, with a good and productive day at work, simultaneous power naps with the roommate in preparation for our evening festivites and the final stop of the night at one of the coolest bars I have been to in a while. Then Saturday was filled with hopping over the Bay Bridge to my old hood Berkeley to celebrate the impending departure of a dear friend to Colorado, and swinging back home in time for the celebration for yet another grad school send off in SoMa, that ended with TDH (Tall, Dark and Handsome) and too many glasses of Cab Franc.
The gory details:
Friday night started off at Lava Lounge and meeting up with with LC's friend for a drink. We wanted to scope out the scene; we had heard rumors that there were some attractive Asian men to be found at this venue. Not my usual demographic as my friends near and dear to me would attest to, but we were on the hunt for a handsome, kind and smart guy for one of my friends-- F-- who needs to be treated like the lady she is by someone deemed worthy (in my opinion).
She was currently off of the Latin wagon, as they had proven to be passionate, sexy, macho...AND flakey with a side of pain in the ass. Girlfriend does not need drama in her life.
Needless to say, Lava was not the eruption of men we were hoping for and instead decided to can the man hunt idea and just enjoy ourselves for the rest of the evening. So we headed over to Rickstop down in the FiDi for a few good solid drinks with some repute.
I was certainly not disappointed at this second love child of the Bourbon and Branch creators; in fact I think I fell instantly in love with the old barrels, brick and openness of this space, almost inching out the intimate and sweaty "Library" of B&B fame.
Things were going great so far. We got seating, we had tasty beverages in our hands and then.....they came. And sat down. WTF?!
That is right, these 2 guys decided they wanted to crash our party and bring their underdeveloped muscles and "we just started our first job after graduating college" experience to the table. I'm sorry kids, really? F and I promptly turned our backs and chatted while LC and N actually were kind and conversed, feigning interest in the topics they thought were going to impress my friends. I know, I'm being harsh, but I feel that oftentimes men need to read the body language of women and really understand that sometimes, we just want to be left alone. Not only that, BIG(Boy in Green) had commited a faux pas and cut in front of us at the bar to order his drink when we had clearly been waiting before him. But the crowning moment of the night was when BIG leaned into N and said to her, " so N...how did you come to sit with the most handsome man in this bar?".
WHAT!?!?!
I think I almost fell out of my chair with horror. You call THAT a pick up line? Clearly he needed to go back to training camp because that was just asinine. I peeked over at N and her face was a mask of combined pain and panic as she was looking for a way out and was cornered.
Thankfully, BIG and his friend NBD (Nice but Dorky) left soon after, when the magic of the "line" wasn't appreciated.
Saturday started off with an intellectual BBQ filled with PhDs and little ole me chatting about the paralleling evolution of certain species of insects and plants that may elucidate the diverging patterns giving insight into trends of evolution itself (a la Darwin's Finches) to the stock market crash of 1987 and how that was such an anomaly as its recovery in 1989 bucked the expected trend of decades of recovery time such as the crash of 1929.
After all sorts of heady conversation, I hopped my way over to Tres Agaves for some tequila (yikes) and the evenutal lead up to my favorite wine bar on Polk called Amelie. It was there that I saw my old fwb "Lawyer S" and his entourage who were nice, entertaining and thankfully continued on their merry way leaving F, Nic and I to our own devices. But my amore, TDH (Tall, Dark and Handsome) was bartending again at Amelie and to my surprise he greeted me with a cheeky kiss-kiss at the door and the words whispered into my ear, "hello beautiful, I see you are here again for me".
I just swooned. Did you hear it? I hope so because let me tell you, TDH has this way about him that makes me blush, and I don't blush often.
I had my first run in with TDH a few weeks ago and I thought it was a fleeting romance that night. But needless to say, it was not so as was evidence by his affection Saturday. All night TDH was so attentive, bringing us water, caressing my leg as he walked by our table, telling me he loved seeing my legs in my dress, mopping the mess he made on Nic's arm, refilling (to our horror, we were buzzed for sure) F and I's nearly empty wine glasses and then trying to kiss me...TWICE when he is obviously a taken man (cue the wedding ring). I had hoped he was playing the faux "I'm taken" game with the ring to fend of the hordes of women who flirt with him, but alas, it was found to be true that he is in fact, married. And fortunately, I don't play the other woman game. I like to give the respect to his wife of not being shady and thinking I am better than her because I am not. With his deep brown bedroom eyes, dimples, gorgeous face and sexy smile, I can't help but enjoy flirting with him, and watching with pleasure as he flirts with other women but always comes back to me, BUT...I'm not his, nor is he mine.
So, I shooed him off with a " behave yourself", a wink and sauntered out the door. He called out, "good bye Kathline" and the siren call of my bed led me to a deep restful sleep of Cab Franc and TDH.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Don't Shoot the Messenger
*This is one of my super old musings on Valentine's Day last year...a fun piece I thought I'd share with you all*
So I have survived Valentine's Day as a "single girl" this year. It was odd, seeing that I hadn't been single on this day of days for many years, but happily enough I was ok with it. Not that I had much of a choice. My V-day consisted of me in Mollie Stone's after work with 5 cans of cat food for the furriest love of my life, Emma. I wasn't in a hurry and frankly was curious to what guys thought women wanted on this day.
As I stood there watching the flurry of activity surrounding me, I wondered, "is this what people go through to express their love? These expectations pushed upon us to be romantic and passionate?"I observed the panicked looks on the faces of men running amok in this overpriced grocery store trying to pick the right flowers, chocolates, champagne, cards, gifts etc. Confused looks were pretty rampant and maybe even a hint of fear of potential wrongdoing.One guy was trying to squeeze in line behind a guy with a larger bouquet and managed to decapitate half of the dozen red roses he had picked up.Dads were ordering their kids around like Valentine's Day for mom was a battle they had to train for.
What struck me as so strange was the fact that I was so oblivious to all of this until today. I mean really????? My god. What have we done to the idea, the philosophy of love?
Any girl who says she "hates" Valentine's Day is lying. Sorry girlfriend, you know you get a teensie bit jealous knowing your honey isn't going to be wearing his birthday suit for you that night, and those little kisses on the neck that you had swooned over in the past are missing this year. I say this because I am one of those naysayers when it comes to V-day. I hate the cheesy cards, the awful bouquets, rushed prix fixe dinners.
BUT....I miss the romance. The simple fact that you don't have someone to sneak your cold feet under when you're cold, or someone to help you rearrange your furniture in a moment of feng-sui inspiration. Romance isn't about the obvious displays of affection. In fact, I think romance is shown in the little ways. A look. A shared smile. A hug and no other expectation of anything in return. Putting the toilet seat down. Picking up his favorite cereal so he can have breakfast the next morning. Burning a CD of cheesy songs. Those things are the true calling cards of what Valentine's Day tries to celebrate.
For those who don't know how or need a bit of a nudge to celebrate your love for someone, remember this:
So I have survived Valentine's Day as a "single girl" this year. It was odd, seeing that I hadn't been single on this day of days for many years, but happily enough I was ok with it. Not that I had much of a choice. My V-day consisted of me in Mollie Stone's after work with 5 cans of cat food for the furriest love of my life, Emma. I wasn't in a hurry and frankly was curious to what guys thought women wanted on this day.
As I stood there watching the flurry of activity surrounding me, I wondered, "is this what people go through to express their love? These expectations pushed upon us to be romantic and passionate?"I observed the panicked looks on the faces of men running amok in this overpriced grocery store trying to pick the right flowers, chocolates, champagne, cards, gifts etc. Confused looks were pretty rampant and maybe even a hint of fear of potential wrongdoing.One guy was trying to squeeze in line behind a guy with a larger bouquet and managed to decapitate half of the dozen red roses he had picked up.Dads were ordering their kids around like Valentine's Day for mom was a battle they had to train for.
What struck me as so strange was the fact that I was so oblivious to all of this until today. I mean really????? My god. What have we done to the idea, the philosophy of love?
Any girl who says she "hates" Valentine's Day is lying. Sorry girlfriend, you know you get a teensie bit jealous knowing your honey isn't going to be wearing his birthday suit for you that night, and those little kisses on the neck that you had swooned over in the past are missing this year. I say this because I am one of those naysayers when it comes to V-day. I hate the cheesy cards, the awful bouquets, rushed prix fixe dinners.
BUT....I miss the romance. The simple fact that you don't have someone to sneak your cold feet under when you're cold, or someone to help you rearrange your furniture in a moment of feng-sui inspiration. Romance isn't about the obvious displays of affection. In fact, I think romance is shown in the little ways. A look. A shared smile. A hug and no other expectation of anything in return. Putting the toilet seat down. Picking up his favorite cereal so he can have breakfast the next morning. Burning a CD of cheesy songs. Those things are the true calling cards of what Valentine's Day tries to celebrate.
For those who don't know how or need a bit of a nudge to celebrate your love for someone, remember this:
"..the only love which has lasted is the love which has everything, every disappointment, every failure and every betrayal, which has accepted even the sad fact that in the end there is no desire so deep as the simple desire to be together". ---- Graham Greene
Ohhhhhhhh....
OK, so this is comepletely dorky but I'm so excited to enter into the blogosphere so to speak.
I know, I'm a little behind on the cool technological bandwagon but I figure this is a good outlet for some amusing stories (because this shit only happens to me I swear), my tragic and oftentimes funny dating life, and rants and raves about things that in essence, make me who I am to my friends and loved ones.
So welcome to my blog everyone, hope you enjoy!
Happy Friday!
I know, I'm a little behind on the cool technological bandwagon but I figure this is a good outlet for some amusing stories (because this shit only happens to me I swear), my tragic and oftentimes funny dating life, and rants and raves about things that in essence, make me who I am to my friends and loved ones.
So welcome to my blog everyone, hope you enjoy!
Happy Friday!
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